You’ve just been promoted to lead a team of six, and one of them, a friend of three years, has handed in the last three weekly reports late. You’ve said nothing so far, because the moment never felt right. Difficult conversations at work get harder the longer they wait, and a short plan makes them manageable: prepare the facts, open clearly, listen, then agree what happens next.
This is general information, not legal or HR advice. If the issue involves discrimination, harassment, a formal disciplinary or grievance process, or health, check your organisation’s policy and speak to HR or Acas before the meeting.
The main source here is the Acas guide Challenging conversations and how to manage them (UK, July 2014). Acas, the UK’s publicly funded employment relations service, wrote it for line managers, and its web page describes it as advice for employers and line managers. Employees raising an issue with a colleague or boss can adapt the same structure.
Why difficult conversations at work shouldn’t wait
The Acas guide says challenging conversations should not be avoided, and that being able to hold them is part of effective line management and can be critical to managing performance, promoting attendance and improving team dynamics. It also warns that many managers go in with good intentions but make the mistake of prolonging or intensifying the problem instead of restricting or resolving it.
On timing, the guide advises having a quiet word at the first sign that something is wrong. It lists what can follow if you don’t act: you may mislead the employee by giving the impression there’s no problem, deny them the chance to improve, damage productivity and lower team morale.
A quick test before you start
The guide suggests asking whether you are the right person to have the conversation, since some matters are handled by a more senior manager or HR first, and some belong in a formal process. If you’re unsure, check before you book the meeting.
Prepare before you speak
Acas lists five things to do in preparation: establish the facts, reflect on what you know about the individual, get support, check your policies, and plan the meeting. For a performance or conduct issue, it says you need the relevant facts at your fingertips, such as the targets and how they were missed, and whether anything extenuating applies.
| Preparation step | What it means in practice | Example (invented) |
|---|---|---|
| Establish the facts | Dates, documents, specific incidents | Reports due Friday 5pm; received Monday 9am on three occasions |
| Reflect on the person | How they usually react; any context you know | Usually reliable; workload changed last month |
| Get support | Tell your manager or HR what you plan to do | Short note to your manager the day before |
| Check policies | Is there a process this should follow? | Read the performance and absence policies |
| Plan the meeting | Place, time, seating, script | Private room, 45 minutes, no meeting straight after |
Place, time and seating
The guide says you need to be able to have an open, frank one-to-one conversation in private, and that face to face is more effective than telephone or email because the other person can see the matter is being taken seriously. It notes that sitting opposite someone with a table in between signals formality, while sitting beside them can be less threatening. It also advises allowing enough time, planning for a break, and giving yourself breathing space afterwards because you could be emotionally drained.
Acas adds that a pre-prepared script can help you stay on track. Write your opening and your first two sentences about the issue, and don’t be shy about reading them.
The conversation, step by step
The guide sets out four stages for more formal meetings and suggests the same shape, in a more relaxed style, for informal chats. Here they are, with sample wording you can copy and change.
1. Open and set the tone
Acas says to explain the purpose of the meeting, set out its structure, agree standards of behaviour, adopt a calm and professional manner, and reassure the person about confidentiality. A template:
- Sample opening: “Thanks for making time. I want to talk about the last three weekly reports and the timing. First I will explain what I have seen, then I want to hear your view, and after that we will agree next steps together. Only people who need to know, such as a manager or HR, will hear about this, and it won’t be discussed with the rest of the team.”
2. State the issue and give evidence
The guide advises giving specific examples with dates, documents, work or interactions, and explaining the impact on the individual, the team and the organisation. It says surprises can be very hard to handle, so if possible you should already have mentioned the problem informally.
- Sample facts: “The report was due on Friday at 5pm and arrived on Monday morning on the 3rd, 10th and 17th. That meant the team started the week without the numbers.”
Compare that with “You’re unreliable”. The first describes what happened and can be checked. The second is a judgement and invites an argument. This is the difference the guide means when it says to focus on the issue and not the person.
If the other person can’t dispute what you describe, the conversation can move on to what to do about it.
3. Ask for their explanation, and listen
Acas advises listening to what they have to say, since they may need to let off steam, keeping an open mind, and acknowledging their position and any mitigating circumstances. If new evidence emerges, it suggests adjourning if that feels appropriate. On questions, the guide says to begin with open questions, follow with probing questions, and use closed questions to verify information. It says to avoid leading questions and multiple questions, because the person may not know which part to answer first.
Its listening advice includes making eye contact without staring, taking notes of key words, and asking questions while trying not to interrupt.
- Sample question: “What’s been getting in the way of getting the report out on Friday?”
- Follow-up probe: “What, in particular, made that week harder?”
4. Agree a way forward
The guide’s closing steps: ask the other person for proposals to resolve the situation, discuss the options, make a decision, arrange a follow-up meeting, and monitor and give feedback on progress. It says to document any agreement and give the employee a copy, setting out agreed outcomes with dates and standards, any support or training the manager will provide, and any consequences if the agreement is breached.
Not every conversation is formal enough for consequences to be written down. Use judgement, and follow your organisation’s policy.
What goes wrong: lessons from an Acas scenario
The guide includes a scenario in which a manager raises a team member’s poor timekeeping and the meeting goes badly. Its learning points read as a checklist of what to do before the meeting: did you speak as soon as you noticed the problem, did you notice a change in mood, did you plan what you’d say and how they might react, did you say you were keeping a record, did you think about the outcome you wanted, and did you focus on the issue and not the person? In the scenario, the person mentioned a family illness only as he left the room. Asking an open question about how they are at the start is one of the things the guide says the manager did well.
A 30-minute meeting plan
| Stage | Suggested time | Goal |
|---|---|---|
| Open | 2 minutes | Purpose, structure, confidentiality |
| Evidence and impact | 5 minutes | Dates, examples, effect on the team |
| Their explanation | 13 minutes | Open questions, listening, notes |
| Next steps | 8 minutes | Their proposals, your decision, follow-up date |
| Close | 2 minutes | Summarise what was agreed |
The timings are a suggestion based on the four stages above, not figures from the guide. Book 45 minutes so there’s room to adjourn.
Looking after yourself afterwards
NHS Every Mind Matters says pausing for a few minutes to breathe can help you feel calmer, and planning ahead for stressful events can ease stress. The NHS also says a good support network of colleagues, friends and family can ease your work troubles. After a hard meeting, leave a gap in your diary, write down what was agreed, and talk it through with someone you trust (without sharing confidential details).
Your checklist
- You are the right person to hold this conversation, or you’ve checked with HR.
- You’ve written down dates, documents and examples.
- You’ve told your manager or HR what you plan to do.
- You’ve read the relevant policy.
- Place is private, time is generous and nothing is booked straight afterwards.
- Your opening and your first two sentences about the issue are written down.
- You’ve prepared two open questions and one probing question.
- You know what outcome you’d like and are ready to hear other proposals.
- A follow-up date is ready to be agreed.
The takeaway
Hold the conversation early, bring dated facts, explain the impact, ask open questions and listen. End with a decision, a written summary and a follow-up date. Ask for help from HR or Acas when the issue is formal.
